“You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.”
—Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon
Stress. Work is BUSY to say the least. Every minute I have is spent crunching and always feeling like I’ll never get caught up.
My day yesterday was a series of back-to-back meetings, 1/2 of which I was leading, and trying to facilitate discussion of things that, when I think of them, my head hurts. Embeddable graphs, CSS code, responsive design requirements around imagery, launch dates, the difference between Alpha and Beta environments – you get the gist. Makes me tired. And I just want it all resolved at once. Not realistic, I know. But a default way of thinking for me that I am earnestly trying to change.
I am overwhelmed and feel out of control right about now – I am super anxious. What is anxiety for me? Racing thoughts, doomsday scenarios on infinite loop, clenched jaw, bubbly stomach, snippy responses to friends and coworkers, big sighs.
If you don’t know the feeling, God bless you, and PLEASE tell me your secret. If you do know the feeling, sorry, BUT, take comfort in the fact that we are not alone! 
In any case, this description of my anxiety mode is merely to explain how I have handled it in the past, and how I try – kicking and screaming – to handle it now.
In the rational, intellectual part of my brain, I know that everything is pretty much ok right now. The problem is – I can’t convince my reptilian and prehistoric mind of that. So, what have I done in the past? Retreated. Isolated. Laid on the couch and eaten copious amounts of ice cream. Hibernation in many ways.
Unfortunately, while this modus operandi short-term allowed me to check out and not feel the anxiety, it long-term compromised my physical and mental health. I gained a shit-ton of weight, I became more isolated, reclusive – shut-down, and not participating in the many great things in life. Undoing that and evolving has been my raison d’être for the last 18 months.
Have I been successful? Some days, I’d say “yes.” I’ve managed to change my weight (-76lbs!) eating habits, exercise habits, mood, etc. Other days? I feel so bloody raw, like someone dipped me in acid and all my epidermis sloughed off. Touch me the wrong way (physically and figuratively) and I’ll scream. Please, put all emotions on mute. Bleck. Fear, doubt and insecurity? Still there. Not mollified by any external stimuli like ice cream, shopping., etc.
What has changed is the volume of an inner voice I think I always knew I had, but rarely heard. The voice tells me I can do it, to never, ever ever give up. That I must fight (fist through air!) for health, sanity, and my well-being. (Side note: I’m of Irish descent, and my sister and I laugh about the “Irish Rage” that has served so many of our ethnic group so well, and so poorly.) So, what am I trying to communicate here?
That black and white thinking – “Perfection” and “The FuckIts” – does not work anymore as an operating mode for me. While this is good (getting out of the polarized mindframe), it’s also terrorizing me because I have no idea how to live comfortably “in the grey.”
Why would I want to “live in the grey?” Because it’s the more sustainable way. It’s what I believe most calm and peaceful people live in. What does that mean? It means accepting – or trying to at least – that nothing, no one, is perfect. That deadlines get missed. That people – including me – miscommunicate with each other. That balls are dropped. That fear can be present, but that doesn’t mean it wins. That going to the gym for an hour is ok – you don’t have to run a marathon every time. That sometimes, you just gotta have a Sundae. Or Pizza. Or both.
How does this have anything to do with being healthy and losing weight? When I think to myself “I have so much to do, how will I get it all done, I can’t possibly spend the time to go to the gym, I need to send emails to people, read/write specification docs, work 14 hours a day and weekends -” I remind myself that there is ALWAYS going to be more to be done that can possibly be done, and that it’s a matter of priority. Am I going to be a better worker if I feel physically and mentally better? Absolutely. What makes me feel physically and mentally better? Exercise. Eating right. Good sleep. Peace of mind because I’m taking care of myself. Well-being as a priority.
So, I get home after an appt that I showed up to 20 minutes late that I forgot about (why didn’t I write it down? How could I forget? What is WRONG with me????????) , look at the clock (6:30pm! by the time I get to the gym it will be 7pm, by the time I get home it will be 8:15, by the time I get in the shower it will be 9pm! agghghhhhh there is not enough time in the day!!!!!), go to gym, bust out an hour of cardio, feel better, but still ruminating a it about work, come home, eat dinner then eat a peanut butter sandwich that I don’t need, tell myself it’s ok, tomorrow is another day, and I have proved to myself over the last 18 months that this is an imperfect path I am on, but the only one that has consistently worked surprisingly enough! And retire to bed to get up and write about it this AM – and, I am now behind schedule because of it. Oh well. Find my breath. Be curious about the feeling. Go shower. Go to work. Get 25% done of what I think I need to get done. Realize that it is more than likely enough, and if it isn’t, I won’t be tarred and feathered. At least, I don’t think I will.
I am trying to by reminding myself that I can’t do everything. And I certainly won’t do everything perfectly. And that I don’t want to retreat anymore.
Love this song by MosDef too…