Been There, Done Fat

Next week, I embark on an overseas trip to do a week-long photo class in Paris. OOOOOHHHH LA LA, how exciting you say!  And I agree. I booked it last year as a reward for my future weight loss — XX  pounds in May 2013 (at this point May 2014, -76lbs!) by the time it came around.  Yes!

Bold move planning so far out for something you may not actually accomplish?  Sure.  But I had never felt so certain about being able to do something. I knew I was going to lose this weight. I would, in May 2014, be significantly smaller than I was in May 2013.  And that today is fact. There’s a whole ‘nother post about ‘the power of intention’ here, but let’s save that for another day.

Trying to balance “keeping it in the day” and “planning for your future” isn’t always the easiest thing to do.  The promise of a great adventure, a cushy retirement, wearing normal sizes again – these things keep us motivated, and require “a plan.” But, the promise of the peace that comes from living in the moment, keeping it in the day – this is something hundreds of millions practice daily.  Think of when David Letterman asked Warren Zevon if there was anything he understood now, facing his own mortality, that he didn’t before – Zevon replied, “Just how much you’re supposed to enjoy every sandwich.” BOOM. There it is.

Planning for the longer term while keeping it in the day – I must allow them to coexist. They are not mutually exclusive. Anyhoo, I digress a bit.

This post is about “rewards.” I remember thinking I needed something to look forward to – a “prize” per se.  And not one that involved me sitting on the couch, eating ice cream and candy on a “cheat” day.  But one that was quasi-monumental, because I knew that the path I was on and the changes I would make were monumental. I needed a prize. A blue or red or yellow ribbon.  When you do good things, you should reward yourself. Right? Right.

Much of the time, we value rewards and prizes in monetary terms.  Case and point:  my trip to Paris was not free.  I had to decide to that spending several thousand dollars on a 7-day jaunt was worth it, that the result of my efforts in the weight loss, healthy-living journey ‘merited’ the spend.  Well, I think they do. But, this reward per se – anyone with the money to spend could do this.  I could have done this when I was 76 lbs heavier as long as I had the money.  So, what are the non-monetary rewards of this path so far?  There are so many.  So. many.  I could spend days writing about them.

So, as I sit here at 6:30am on a beautiful spring morning (forsythia!  lilacs! baby leaves on trees! chirping sassy spring birds!) with a toasty cat on my stomach as I write, I reflect on just a few of the rewards this path has brought.

• Fitting into airplane seats again.   The ability to sit in one, and not feel like I’m overflowing into my neighbor’s spot.  Not being as clenched up as possible to try to (unsuccessfully I might add) ‘shrink’ myself. I am not dreading that part of the trip next week! Miraculous.

• Feeling less self-concious in public. I go out way more than I used to.  I have new friends that because I’ve gone out more, and participated in life.  I’ve opened up more.

• Smaller body, bigger world: New friends, new opportunities, new places.  The energy that comes from the weight loss and healthy living is more than I would have thought possible.  I get up at 5:30am, go to bed around 10:30pm – and the hours in between are filled with rich and gratifying experiences, great interactions, and lots of laughs.

• Increased self-confidence:  And this isn’t just of the ‘vanity’ kind.  This is of the “Holy-Shit-has-it been-16-months-of-sweat-diligence-&-solidiering-on-no-matter-what” kind.  Like – if I can do this, what else am I capable of?  Could I really have a goal that I have no idea how to tactically achieve, and just start with the first few steps, and then all of a sudden, 16 months later, I’ve come further than I ever thought I could?  Can this same method of just starting something with the bigger goal at hand and no idea (ok, some idea) of the tactics to acheive it work in other areas of my life?  Yes, my friends, I think it can.  Like the little engine that could.  “I think I can, I think I can, I KNOW I can, I know I can!”

• Peace of mind:  This is absolutely one of the greatest benefits of my weight-loss journey.  I don’t spend all of my waking hours thinking how heavy I am, how much I suck because I am so heavy, how I should be at the gym, how I shouldn’t eat breakfast because I ate too much the night before, how my health is compromised, I’m probably diabetic, etc.  Today, while I definitely stress and worry about other things, weight/health are not on that list anymore.  I’m free from those tapes.  Free to dream of the possibilities for the future, free to feel the stress of a hard deadline, free to not think about how uncomfortable the flight to Paris will be because I’m overflowing into my neighbor’s seat.  FREE AT LAST.

Thank you, Universe.  I am so grateful. I cannot wait to enjoy every Croque-Monsieur.

“You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.”  

—Toni Morrison,  Song of Solomon

Stress. Work is BUSY to say the least.  Every minute I have is spent crunching and always feeling like I’ll never get caught up.

My day yesterday was a series of back-to-back meetings, 1/2 of which I was leading, and trying to facilitate discussion of things that, when I think of them, my head hurts.  Embeddable graphs, CSS code, responsive design requirements around imagery, launch dates, the difference between Alpha and Beta environments – you get the gist.  Makes me tired.  And I just want it all resolved at once. Not realistic, I know. But a default way of thinking for me that I am earnestly trying to change.

I am overwhelmed and feel out of control right about now – I am super anxious.  What is anxiety for me? Racing thoughts, doomsday scenarios on infinite loop, clenched jaw, bubbly stomach, snippy responses to friends and coworkers, big sighs.

Love this song by MosDef too…

Mos Def – Priority

444 days, and 76 lbs lost.

It’s a math game people.  That is 0.17 lbs a day.  Or a 595 calorie a day deficit.   Manageable, and actually right around the amount of calories one hour on the elliptical burns for me.

What does 76 lbs look like?   this….

I have pretty much lost him.

And then, there is this list I found…..

300 STICKS OF BUTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  262,500 BEES!!!!!!!!! Wow.  How many calories in 300 sticks of butter -24000.  When divided by 3500 (think calories) = 68.  So if you supplemented your daily caloric intake to maintain your weight with a stick of butter a day, you would, in 300 days, gain 68 lbs.  What does that have to do with anything?  Nothing really.  Except it’s math.  And this whole weight loss thing is pretty much a math game.

CRAY CRAY.  Simply Cray Cray. I feel physically great.

Mentally, it’s amazing to have my mind free of the tape by the itty bitty shitty committee yelling on infinite loop….”You should go to the gym, you’re not eating right, you have to lose weight, you used to be in great shape, how are you going to fix this? You have no willpower, you look terrible, you are going to get diabetes soon…”   Some days not having the “comfort food” makes my stress levels that much more intense – my stress relief outlets need to expand.  And they are. There’s the obvious:

• Exercise
• Meditation (which I RARELY do but when I do, it seems to help me feel less anxious – LIKE EVERYONE SAYS)
• Reciting the serenity prayer “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
• Writing Gratitude Lists (very infrequently, would like that to become more of a practice)

…and, the ‘less’ obvious

• Petting my cats
• Listening to baseball
• Watching true crime (I know, I don’t get it, it’s a little twisted, but I can “check out”)
• Hanging out with friends
• Cooking

…and the “questionable”  (am I checking out too ‘hard’?  Substituting?  Playing “Whack-a-mole” with my ‘bad’ habits…)

• online shopping
• Lurking on Facebook
• Reading “The Enquirer”

…I know there are more, but hey…that’s enough right now…

So, I say a huge thank you to the universe tonight for bringing me to where I am today by putting certain people in my life and helping me to be open to hearing and seeing the things that will keep me on the path of health and happiness.    Corny?  Maybe.  Contrived?  Not in the least.  I honest to God am so grateful for all I have received during this journey.

Especially the ice cream sundae I had tonight.  Balance my friends.  Balance.

I’ve been talking about this now for 4 days, and it still is slightly surreal.  Here’s how the conversation goes:

me: “Hey, I’ve lost 71 lbs.”

my friend:  (long whistle) “Whoa.  How much?”

me: “71 pounds.”

my friend: “Wow. That’s amazing.”

Now, what isn’t said, and certainly what I would be thinking if I were one of the people I told is:  Holy SHIT. 71 lbs?  That’s the size of my 3rd grader/overstuffed suitcase/chocolate lab – you get the point.  In fact, let me show you what 68 lbs looks like:

So, I have based whittled a Birdie (+3 lbs) off my frame.  And it has been “whittling.” I have to say, while it is a great feeling, and something to definitely be proud of for numerous reasons I’ll get to later, it is shocking.  I still have trouble digesting (yes, pun intended!) that I was so overweight – and, I’m not even done with the weight loss yet. Soon, I am going to muster the courage to post before/after pics, and perhaps that will help me comprehend it better.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m thrilled this is where I am.  It’s just shocking to consider where I came from.  I was chatting online with a friend yesterday who also struggles with weight/food, etc, and I described how it felt living with all that extra weight – not the physical aspects per se – I’ll go into that another time – but the mental.  I felt like I was underwater.  Suffocated, trapped, muted, and more insulated from shock.

“Being underwater for 10 years” could be the title of my autobiography were I to only focus on that painful decade.  But events and time led up to that, and should be accounted for, and coming out of it must also be chronicled as it is imperative to convey the message that I am coming out of it.  I don’t have to live in that suspended, overly protected state any more.  It served a purpose – I will someday put all of those pieces together – but it has definitely run its course.  It’s time to emerge from the universe of suspended affect.

More later – going to venture out and create a few more sections here – “Notes from the Gym” and “True Grit.”  Not sure adding new sections will incentivize me to become more regular about contributing here, but I’m not going to overthink it.

Cheers!

So, I’m down 64 pounds in one year.  I haven’t lost any weight since early January, and that’s ok.  I’ve maintained the weight in the midst of some challenging life changes that are very stressful for me.  This is not my usual MO as was evidenced by my 3-digit weight gain over a 10-year period.  My stress levels overcome me, and for years I haven’t had super-healthy coping mechanisms, and changing that behavior doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a step – and a calorie – at a time.  Over this past year, when stress has overcome me, I’ve tried to fight it and keep standing.  Trading a sugar binge for a visit to the gym has been a “one-day-at-a-time’ behavioral change, and it’s paying off.

I just got back from a work trip to Las Vegas.  One of the greatest benefits of losing weigh is that when I got put in the middle seat (on United, shit airline) I was able to sit there, between two people, with my seatbelt on – that had SLACK!

My God.  Just writing that headline “-52 lbs” is surreal.  Like – me?  Have I really been that overweight I could lose 52 lbs and still be breathing?  And the answer is – yes.  I have been obese now for – on and off, mostly on – 10 years.

Don’t get me wrong. I am THRILLED that I have been able to lose this weight. I am absolutely so relieved that I am finally living in the solution after a decade of binging, not exercising, cutting out all sugar, losing weight, gaining it all back PLUS another 40 lbs. To be able to have a day where I don’t obsess over food and beat myself up over not exercising is an absolute miracle – the weight loss, physical improvements, and mental benefits?  Not to sound flip, but, they are like gravy.  Just to be free of the defeatist and compulsive behavior is worth it to me.

While I don’t want to claim it’s been easy to do this, it has not been as hard as spending 10 years living with the mental anguish and physical discomfort of being obese and depressed and angry. I just wanted to not feel terrible.

And not only do I not feel terrible, I feel great. How could I not being 52 lbs lighter?  It’s like I was carrying around a first-grader, and now I have put them down.  52lbs.  Look at it up there.  It’s disgusting!

Here are five reasons I am thrilled to be on the health and weight loss path: about given

1) I don’t have to spend a ton of time THINKING up excuses for why NOT to go to the gym.

2) I don’t have to make sure I get everything from the first floor to the second floor in one trip.  I can go up and down the stairs multiple times, and it’s not the effort it once was.

3) I put jeans in the dryer now. Yup. IN THE DRYER.

4) I don’t feel sick and hungover the morning after a candy or ice cream binge because I don’t have the binges anymore.  (I’ll go into more of that later)

5) My anxiety about going out with friends, to meetings, to fun places, to business lunches has pretty much disappeared.  I’m out doing things more than I have been in years.

I’m on the path.  I’m living in the solution.  One day at a time.  One meal at a time.  

Shame is simply not a motivator.  This woman won’t give candy to kids she believes are overweight and is giving them letters to bring home to their parents about their ‘weight problem.’  People like this should all have to live on an island with one another.  Nobody asked your opinion lady.  Why don’t you just not give any candy out?

Asshole Handing Out Letters 

Had my biweekly weigh-in at the gym yesterday.  Down another 3 lbs.  This makes it 33 total lbs lost.   I am in a little bit of shock, simply because I still can’t believe I had/have that much extra weight on me, and because – it actually works if you work it.  I still am counting calories, working out at least 4 times a week, and trying to eat plenty of fiber. These are the only *rules* I am adhering to because I have spent a material portion of my teenage-adult life obsessively contemplating food and exercise rituals.

To change things, I knew I needed to change my *thinking* and behavior around food and exercise.  I needed to have a very simple daily plan, with little to no restrictions around food.

It’s because I am keeping it as simple as possible, adhering consistently to trifecta above, that I am succeeding I think.  It feels incredibly balanced, and very manageable.  I don’t feel deprived.  I don’t weigh myself every day.  I don’t not eat _________ (insert ‘evil’ food here) and I treat myself every once and a while to something I really am craving.

About 10 minutes ago, I carried a box of cat litter into my house, and was huffing and puffing.  It was only when I put the box down did I realize that it weighed 34 lbs – just one pound more than the amount of weight I have lost since February.  Holy hell, it was heavy.  I cannot believe I was carrying all that extra weight around!  I mean WOW.

This morning, I treated myself to breakfast out at the local healthy diner.  I was thinking I would get the tall stack (3 medium-plate-sized pancakes) of Sweet Potato Pecan pancakes, and a side of bacon. I had earned it.  YUM.

But, because I am steadily retraining myself around food, I did in fact choose a side of cantaloupe, and the short stack of pancakes, of which I ate 5/8s – I was FULL – still am – after that.  And this is important because it just goes to show that little measures and feats like this contribute to a healthier me – a healthier, more accepting, less black-and-white relationship to food.  It is making ALL the difference to be practicing acceptance, honesty, flexibility, and forgiveness in my relationship to food.

Thanks for reading.  There is hope, and if I can do this, anyone can.  

Today I write to tell you that since the middle of February, I have lost 25 lbs. and moved down 2 sizes.  

I feel great.  Things are heading in the right direction. I’m 1/3rd (or 1/4th depending on how aggressive I am feeling that day) of the way to my overall weight-loss goal. As I write that, I still cringe a little, thinking of how bad things got and how much more I have to go. But, it’s done, I’ve been there, done fat, and I am moving on. Day at a time, meal at a time, progress not perfection.

How am I doing it?  Common sense, and sweat. More details? Ok, here you go:

• I track my calories usually every day on Livestrong.com’s “My Plate.”
  -There have been consecutive days where I haven’t, but they don’t happen too frequently. When they do, I simply start again.

• I go to the gym @ least 4x a week
  -3-3 1/2 hours of cardio weekly – I have been doing most of mine on the elliptical, time to branch out! Zumba? Spinning? Wait and see my friends…
  -Half-hour TRX/Kettleball sessions 2x a week with trainer.
  -This breaks down to about 8-10 different weight bearing exercises, 2-3 sets of each, for 45 seconds of effort for each set, and a 15-second break.

If I were my 16-year-old self, I would think “um, you must not be working hard enough – 25lbs in 3 1/2 months doesn’t seem like a lot.” This is the 16-year-old self who wouldn’t eat anything all day long, except for maybe an English muffin or some granola and yogurt at lunch, and spent free periods smoking Marlboros in the Butt Lounge during HS. Maybe I’d eat some chicken & rice for dinner. I had some weird, unhealthy thoughts (and behaviors!) around food then.  And it has taken years and many detours along this crooked path to rewrite those behaviors and beliefs.

I am slowly but surely doing that, one day at a time. And not excoriating myself when I inevitably do not do everything around food/exercise perfectly.

I can say that this “slow and steady” approach is probably the healthiest, simplest way I have ever lost weight. Most importantly, it appears to be the most sustainable. It is actually DOABLE. It’s not Deprivation-based. It’s “balance-based.”

More on that later. Now, I make the oatmeal.
 

So, it’s been about 4 months since I last wrote. A lot has happened since then.

First off, it actually started snowing in New England – after last winter, there was a question whether it would happen. Well it has, several times. Nemo? Ukko? Along with being done with being fat, I’m done with Old Man Winter. As I type, I have a lightbox flooding me with 60 mini blue LEDS – I am, according to my doctor, moderately Vitamin D deficient. (Sidenote: Interesting study done on Vitamin D Deficiency and Depression ).

Secondly, I finally got pissed off enough about my physical state (there was a galvanizing event that sent me over the edge, but that’s a good thing) and have actually started exercising consistently now for 2 months. This is HUGE for me. Over the last 10 years, I’ve only managed to get religious about exercise for a period of about a year and a half straight. Before that, for years I ran 5ks, 10ks, a half-marathon and even a marathon (okay, really I jogged the marathon, but I finished). There have been multiple fits and starts, and – well – this feels like it just could stick. But I will take this a day at a time. It is the only way to not set myself up for failure.

Thirdly, I told myself I was going to join my old gym because I always felt so comfortable there, and when I went to Google it, the number one result was a Groupon for a 2-month membership for $199 with 6 1/2 personal training sessions, and two physical assessments. It was, as a friend of mine would call it, a “God Shot.” I asked for something, and I received it. I hopped on that deal like the Lone Ranger would on Silver.

And, I have showed up religiously ever since. And done more than what the trainer suggested. Yes, I am slightly compulsive which serves me well in situations like this. Not so much when a bag of Reese’s miniatures is sitting in front of me. Nom, nom, nom….NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM!

This isn’t meant to pat myself on the back (although for the first time in a LONG time, I do actually feel proud of myself for something I am doing), but to confirm that even the most hopeless obese person can take action, and can feel better nearly instantly (workouts and endorphins? Fuggedaboutit…) both physically & mentally. I had been hopeless around my weight for years now. Hopeless, and struggling so much nearly every minute of every day with it. The depletion from that alone was enough to make me just want to checkout permanently.

But I haven’t because I am here writing about it, down roughly 11 lbs over the past 7 weeks! All from exercise, and eating right. We’ll talk more about those details later.

Just know that if I can do this, anyone can. I never thought that I would feel like going to the gym again, or eating hummus and pretzel crisps as an afternoon snack, or even TALKING about all of this in a public forum, but, well, things change. To quote Sir Winston Churchill, known for his bulldog-like tenacity:

“When you are going through hell, keep on going. Never never never give up.”

Be back soon, peeps. Gotta hit the gym.